Dodgy Doctor

[PW in Polemi]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: The heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up the heart rate will not make you live longer; it's like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity bit so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is made from grain. Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetables be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.