Jokes too crap for Xmas crackers!

[memory man]

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I’m a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

***

Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV?

Because of the telly ban.

***

My Granddad just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I asked, “Who’s this?”

My Granddad said, “He’s my hip replacement.”

***

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

***

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words.

“Stop shaking the ladder you little twit.”

***

Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said “Is that a fret?”

***

By previously legalising same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 “If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.”

***

A weasel walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

***

Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.

***

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

***

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…

***

I went into the cake shop earlier, bloke said “all cakes £1.”

I said “Can I get that one?”

“£2.” He replied.

“£2?” I asked.

He said “aye, that’s Madeira cake.”

***

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer…

***

[Firefly]

Loved Grandfather's last words